To tell...or not to tell?

We have been through it before....the excitement of a referral of a child from India. In the excitement of it all, I printed a picture immediately and began thinking of that precious little girl as ours--even if we had not "officially" given the go ahead to proceed in adopting that specific child. Little did I know what was in store for us with my Dad's stroke. I had no idea it was not the right time to adopt, nor was it the child that was meant to join our family. When I did figure that out, it was devastating. Many people had become excited for us. I had to break the news that it was not meant to be. When I receive news this time, I am determined to be much, much more cautious! Not only do I not want to tell anyone right away, I don't want to even tell myself--just in case.

We received some news a couple of days ago from our social worker. While, yes, it was news, I did not quite know what to make of it. Our social worker said there has been a delay due to the orphanage's director's social worker's daughter's wedding (whew!). All of this meant there have been no referrals officially sent to any prospective parents, even if they were waiting to hear "any day now." I called our social worker to find out more details, and received an email from her using the name of this girl. This was the first time I had actually seen her name. It was a very casual use of her name by our social worker--as if I had always known it--but to me it meant the world! I was trying to stay calm...as calm as an expectant mother can be! There were still so many questions I had. Was this girl a referral for us? When would it be official? Could I be excited? I called our social worker and bombarded her with questions, the first of which was, "Is it time that I can become 'officially excited'?" She laughed and said, "Yes. You can now become 'officially excited'."

Here were some of the other questions I asked, along with the answers:

• Is this child going to be referred to our family?....Yes, the paperwork has been sent from India to Journeys of the Heart (JOH). When it reaches there it will be scanned and emailed to our social worker to be reviewed, then emailed to us. This will happen either late this week or early next week.
• From what has been previously mentioned to us, they (JOH) have been considering this child for us for quite some time to make sure it will be a good match for all of us. With this said, does this mean that our family will most likely be saying yes when we receive this referral?.....While the social worker could not answer directly, she was able to indicate that they currently find no medical issues that would be of concern to us at this time. There is some developmental delay, as with most children raised in an orphanage, but we are as prepared as we can be for that.
• If we say yes to adopting this child, what is the time frame of events to follow?....We would send our paperwork to JOH in Oregon. They then send it on to the orphanage in Chennai (at that point in time it may be approximately three weeks). From there it goes to CARA (the central agency in India which approves all adoptions). Thankfully, they are open during monsoon season. It takes them anywhere from one to three months (or more) to give approval for us to adopt this child. Once we have approval from CARA we can get lined up in the courts. The courts do close during monsoon season, but we are hopeful that we will receive approval from CARA right about the time in September when courts reopen. The difficult part is that everyone, even non-adoption cases, all try to get in the court system at the same time. India also has quite a few national holidays during the months of September, October, and November. If all goes well, we could theoretically be traveling to bring home our child in December. (Side note: when I told Ellie this news, she replied, "That would be the BEST Christmas present EVER!")

So what am I to do with all of my feelings? Do I try to stay on the conservative side and guard myself so that no one will know if this referral does not work out, or do I jump for joy at the thought of our daughter--even if it means potentially going through another loss? I have spoken with my sister, and she got on my case to update the blog (even though I have no "official" news). After weighing the options, here is what I determined: if this possibility for adoption does not work out, it will lead us to the child meant for our family. If this adoption does work out, I want our daughter to be able to know how much we all love her and desired to hear about her right away. So here goes....

Her name is Joshne! She is a year and a half old. This is all we know, yet it is enough to know that I already have a deep love for her. I long to hold her in my arms and tell her she is a treasure. She is not alone. She is protected. She is ours! I long to know her story. I long to know her birth family and her heritage. I am heartbroken to know that in her short life she has already experienced loss. I want to thank her birth parents for their sacrifices for her. I want them to know, if they are still living, that this sweet precious child will be lovingly raised and cared for. They will always remain a part of our family's story. It is part of who we are. So in the meantime, I must be patient again and wait. But this time is different. This time I am waiting with a small piece of the puzzle that will be complete at the end of the story many years from now. Right now I will savor this piece and enjoy every minute of it!